“What’s stopping you?” She asked
“My brain,” I said
“What do you mean?” She looked at me with confusion
“You see, I want to do things, a lot of things, I can’t count them because of how many they are, but am I doing any of them? No. Why? Because of my brain”
“Again, what do you mean?” Now she’s frustrated more than she is confused so I open up and say “I’m not good. That’s what my brain keeps telling me. What do I have to say that’s meaningful, what do I have to show that’s good, nothing, and my Brian never fails to point out those insecurities with a bunch of others sprinkled on top. So yeah, I just end up giving in, and not doing anything at all, because as my brain or maybe it’s my mind, but anyways it’s right. I am not good” It’s hard opening up, you feel like you’re exposed and now my sense of vulnerability is heightened while she stares at me speechless. Then after a while, what felt like minutes (it was just seconds) she said “So” so? What?
“So?” I ask
“Yeah, so what if you’re not good, just do it” Wait what?
“But I’m not good”
“Yeah, so. Everyone starts off bad, you might still be bad you might get better, you’ll never know unless you try and what do you have to lose?”
“Ummm my dignity!” I yell. She looks at me with an annoyed expression and says “Does it matter? And don’t you want to do things? I’m tired of hearing about those pipped-up dreams you keep talking about and never doing anything about them. Either you just do them and tell me about what you’re doing or just stop talking to me about it because my dignity doesn’t allow that”
Yeah, I had a reality check that went along the same (or as close to) that dialogue with a couple of friends, family, strangers, pets, and even myself and this is the cumulative response I got. But yeah, the point is, I’m a professional avoidant who runs away from failure, and I realized that I’m so terrified of making mistakes that I just don’t even try anymore and that is just sad. I forgot to have fun, forgot about creativity, and forgot who I am.
It sounds dramatic but it’s true. Now this post won’t be a sappy “I’m so sad, I’m lost” kind of post regardless if that sentiment is true or not, the point is, beginnings. Starting now. I’ll start doing stuff again. What will I be doing? Not sure yet, but I’ll do anything and everything to bring back the joy of making without judgment or comparison. I happened to stumble on a post recently about creativity and that inspired this post
So here’s to creating, and having fun again.
I was listening to a playlist this morning and it happened to play this song called “Don’t Give Up” by Foreign Fields which I think is perfect for this post hope you enjoy